Now THAT sounds like a party
Police reports have a standardized format and a vocabulary all their own, but rarely are they as literal as the one that was filed to describe the following incident.
The time: ‘Twas the evening of March 15, not long after darkness fell across the land.
The location: A “drug-free zone” on Chapman Highway in South Knoxville formed by a nearby daycare, then ending up in the parking lot of the Pilot station near Kroger.
The vehicle: Blue 2008 Jeep Patriot
The offense: The Patriot’s “rear tail lights” (as opposed to its front tail lights) were “emitting white light” all over Chapman Highway, presumably like that magic chick at the climax of Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.”
The victim: “Society, Society” (direct quote; “Society” is apparently of “unknown” gender and race; fields asking for the address, social security number, etc. of “Society” are left blank)
Arrestee (s): 2 ladies (38 and 55 yoa)1 gentleman (33 yoa)
Quote: “He deployed his K-9 partner Dolly for a free air sniff”
Contraband: 2 glass pipes, 2 “cut straws”; 1 scale; 1 syringe; 1 tourniquet, 3 empty plastic baggies; 3 not-so-empty plastic baggies containing 7.28 grams of “a black powder substance believed to be heroin”; $288 in small bills.
Criminal charge(s): Possessing drugs for resale, possessing drug paraphernalia, driving on a revoked license; “miscellaneous traffic offense.”
Actual narrative (abridged): Jeep driving on Chapman Highway blah blah blah pulled over at Pilot blah blah blah three subjects blah blah blah cops deployed K-9 Dolly blah blah blah cops found stash blah blah blah three arrested blah blah blah.
Scruffy narrative (what should have happened): The victim was society, and even the jeep was a patriot. Sadly, the jeep’s love of purple mountains majesty couldn’t stop its broken “rear tail lights” (as opposed to its front tail lights) from “emitting white light” all over Chapman Highway. Soon after, Dolly the dog was given “a free air sniff” at the Pilot. Then, there was heroin. And handcuffs.
Masculine moron makes many mistakes
He was a man.
A manly man.
A man’s man, by gawd.
All 190 pounds on his 5’11” frame quivered with his 57 years of accumulated manly maleness.
This masculinity oozed from his leathery muscles, his rippling gut, his hamhock fists. Clint Eastwood could only nod his approval at the contemptuous way in which he met all the lesser specimens of manhood who passed his way. Hemingway would take one look at him and be reduced to monosyllabic mutterings, minus all that sensitive crap about baby shoes. Sean Connery had nothing on the easy way in which he swept all the ladies in his vicinity off their feet, their eyes glazed over at the slightest whiff of his pheromone-infused sweat.
One can’t help but wonder if something very much like that was the internal monologue of the 24-karat asshat who was arrested in the parking lot of the Pilot station in Halls about 9:20 p.m. March 15.
He’d been cruising though Halls with his girlfriend for the last couple of hours, probably desperate to get out of the trailer after months of pussy libtards telling him not to leave because of the Wuhan Flu. The police report doesn’t specify what kind of vehicle they were in, but we can safely assume it was a pickup truck; the report also doesn’t specify what kind of alcoholic beverage he was drinking, but we can safely assume it was a case of Natural Ice.
Anyway, when this loving couple pulled into the Pilot at 6900 Maynardville Pike and went inside, the woman tried to get away from the man. He responded by grabbing her several times “on both arms” until employees managed to kick him out of the store. The woman had red marks on her throat and a pump knot on her forehead, leaving little doubt as to what had happened.
When Knox County Sheriff’s Office deputies arrived they found the man outside the store, apparently waiting for the woman to rush back into his oh-so-manly arms. Let’s just say the deputies were less than overawed by his presence, due at least in part to the fact that his pants were literally falling off his waist as he staggered about, reeking of alcohol as he tried to explain to the deputies that he’d cut his head open “when he slipped in the parking lot.”
His girlfriend told the deputies that “he grabbed her by the throat, restricting her airway, and then slammed her head against the center console of the vehicle they were driving,” according to the report.
Mr. Macho’s drunken ass was deservedly tossed in the back of a patrol car for an emasculating trip to the county jail, where he was booked for aggravated assault and public intoxication.
The Case of the Mysterious Meth
A bag of drugs that apparently belonged to a mysterious subject with no name (and certainly not the poor patsies who were unknowingly driving around with it) was confiscated by police during a traffic stop in East Knox County.
The bewildering sequence of events started about 11:20 p.m. March 15 when a Knox County Sheriff’s Office deputy spotted a white Saturn Vue on Brakebill Road with a license tag that belonged on another vehicle.
The deputy looked around for a Pilot station. Seeing none, he sighed and turned on all his fancy blue lights to signal the Saturn’s driver to pull over. To their credit, the man and woman in the Saturn managed to safely come to a stop at the intersection with Strawberry Plains Pike despite their confusion at the prospect of having an encounter with police while not at a Pilot station.
It turned out the male half of the couple was driving even though he had a revoked license. He also told the deputy that he’d just bought the Saturn and hadn’t gotten around to registering it, so the deputy called for a wrecker to tow the vehicle away — after it had been thoroughly searched.
Ok, here’s where the plot both thickens and begins to stink, much like a pot of beef stew that’s been left out on the kitchen counter for a week….
You see, the deputies soon found a baggie containing a half gram of meth in the center console. The problem? Neither one of the Saturn’s occupants knew how the meth had gotten there!
The driver? Nope. He clearly maintained the illegal drugs “did not belong to him and he had no knowledge of the property,” according to the police report.
The passenger? Again, no. The woman “was the front passenger of the vehicle and stated listed property did not belong to her.”
One can only imagine the confusion that must have set in at this point. From whence did this bag of pharmaceutical nightmares come from? Maybe it had been planted on them by some dastardly enemy. Perhaps some nefarious joyrider had left it behind after a midnight cruise around the area. Or maybe it had simply materialized in the console, the product of random fluctuations at the quantum level. … There was simply no way to know for sure.
You can see the dilemma. Whatever could the deputies do with such a baffling set of circumstances?
Thankfully, the universe tends to favor simplicity. It turned out that, between the man driving on a revoked license and his female companion having an outstanding warrant for theft, they were each predestined for a trip to jail regardless of the meth’s pedigree.
The mysterious meth was stored in the “narcotics locker” at the City-County Building., where teams of investigators and forensics specialists will undoubtedly spend many restless days and nights pondering its possible origins.
Tales of the Scruffy City is compiled from public records provided on request by the Knoxville Police Department, Knox County Sheriff’s Office, and other government agencies. We do not identify the citizens who appear in these reports in order to protect their privacy. Many of those who appear in police reports are guilty of nothing more than having a bad day, while even those who are formally accused of a crime are innocent until proven guilty. Tales of the Scruffy City is Copyright 2021 by Hard Knox Wire.
J.J. Stambaugh may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Published on March 23, 2021